Title: We don’t speak of it
Year: 2021
Size: 70x90cm
Technique: Acryl on fine linen canvas

Description
I was unhappy growing up. First, I was "that kid" in school which turned out to be ADHD. But thus, didn't come to terms until I was an adult. And then my mother turned ill, depressed, and suicidal. It was hard and I still remember a lot of this period in my life.
And to top it off.
As a pre-teen I was raped.
He was a grown man, we knew him, I told on him, but nothing happened.
I keep seeing him, in and around my family, and it killer me inside. But I couldn't speak of it without being hurt even more.
One thing was losing the right to control what happened to my body, but also the fact it didn't matter to these around me. They either didn't believe me, blamed me, shamed me, and even punished me.
-Are you sure it happened like that?
-I think you just want attention.
-Ok, so it happened, but he said you wanted too.
-He wasn't that hard on you; it could have been worse.
-Fine! You are stressed over this, but we need to think of others than you!
-Stop whining about this and make yourself useful.
-It’s been X years; can't you just get over it? Good, you are just problems all the way.

I learned not to say anything. Pretending like nothing. On the outside I was a "moody bitch", a problem-child. I kept pushing everything aside.
But on the inside, I was hurting so bad.
I didn't have the strength to deal with it on my own.
But in the end, it caught up with me. As an adult, I started to speak again and express what had happened and what it did to me. How hurt I was, the deceive I met and felt.
So many people are angry with me. And still try to silence me or blame me for this pain.

Complaining will get you unemployed.
Smile a little. Nobody likes whiny girls.
Still not over this?
Get over yourself, people have endured much worse than you!
If you feel damaged, congratulations. You will end up just like your mother. Might as well end it sooner rather than later.

I have few friends and contacts right now,
but the relief has been undeceivable.
I am going to keep expressing myself.
And maybe someone in a similar position sees this and don't feel so alone?
I don't know, but my stitches are out and they're not coming back.